Hey, world.



Selfish. That's what I've been. I'm talking, of course, about the whole college/jon thing. I've asked him to make a descision that a year ago I wasn't even thinking of. He's about 4-5 months younger than me, which isn't that much, so I always forget that as far as school goes, he's a whole year behind me. He hasn't had the experiences that I have. This year in school really helped shape me as a person, what with all the leadership crap I did, and he hasn't had the chance to go through that yet. But I'm asking him to give up his future for me and come to Chicago so I can have a happy ending?

The thing is, Jon has a really strong family life. He has something in Leavenworth. I always forget about that too, and jump right into my mini-speech about why LV sucks, there's nothing here, blah-blah-blah. The thing is, I don't so much. And -brace yourself, this is sappy- he sort of feels like home to me. I'm safe and happy with him. With my mom I worry too much about what she's doing, when she'll be home, if she'll be sober when she gets there... what kills me is that I worry too much. It's really not as bad as I worry about, yet somehow once in a while seems like all the time to me. Weird. Jon hasn't ever wanted to leave, and I have... a lot. Another principle difference between the two of us.

I'm going to have to talk to him about it... fix my mess. I get too caught up in my own plans. I didn't even think to ask if he even wanted to be a part of them.

Le sigh. Such is the drama and woe of my life.

Speaking of drama, I did a little more research on the theatre school I want to go to, DePaul. You have to be invited to continue into your second year. While I have no doubt that if I work hard and stay focused (easier said than done), I can continue there. They're serious about acting, though. You don't just get in 'cause you're rich, which is deffinately a good thing for me. God, I hope I'm good enough to get in. I'm going to have to prepare my butt off for this audition.

It's scary, I don't have a "plan-b" that I'm happy with. I really don't want to go anywhere else. That's probably a bad thing, eh? KU is nice, and so is Emporia. I really don't want to end up a Drama I teacher in some crappy rural school. I need to be in the action, a real part of it, and a crappy rural high school isn't exactly the place to do that.

Shoot, who needs an income when you can be an actor? Food's for squares.

The future is a frightening thing.